You once told me that I could write a book on life and that there should be a chapter dedicated to you. The book hasn’t yet been written, but our story has ended and this page is all you deserve.
There is no moment in time that I can pinpoint when things went wrong, because there was never a moment it was ever really right and I don’t mean us, I mean you. I fooled myself into thinking that if you just opened your eyes and saw that we worked then maybe we might have forever, but the clock was ticking over my head and I ended up giving too much of my heart to a man who was never truly present. A man who couldn’t see what was right in front of him and the future he could build, preferring to dream of greener pastures in a ready-made life and believing it would fix all of his problems, never realizing he had to fix the pain inside of himself first.
Even with all of our similarities and your complete belief that we were the same person, I always knew deep down that we were polar opposites. For all of my faults, I do genuinely care about people and value trust, loyalty and love above all else. You do not. I now see the irony in that lies were all you were made of and the truth was all I knew how to speak, so here’s some honesty… You hurt me. It’s time to accept your role as the antagonist in this story and understand that you’ll never be the knight in shining armour as you play the wolf in sheep’s clothing too well. I was always too good to you and too understanding during some very difficult moments. You repaid me by being cruel and selfish and poking at some of my deepest insecurities. Manipulation was your Master.
How many excuses did I make for your behaviour?
How many times did I offer forgiveness for actions that are unforgivable?
How many red flags did I paint white for the possibility of us?
Do you remember that night I asked if you knew who I was, the real me behind the tough exterior? You didn’t understand the question and couldn’t provide an answer. The catch was that you never took the time to read past the first few pages, instead you labeled me a short story, but forgot I could always read you like a book. It scared you that I could see through the Cool Guy persona and it took shutting you out of my world for the real you to finally show up. Too little too late. The bricks of mistrust were now stacked sky high around my castle and your decision of deceit had already been made. So ask yourself, why did you keep coming back?
I know these words will taste sour in your mouth, but I need to find the closure you aren’t willing to provide without the rebuttalI of “We would be good together”, “I need you in my life” and “I just can’t say no to you” as all they do is attach strings to a fantasy you were never willing to make a reality. I constantly wage a war between my head and my heart because I want to hate you just as much as I care about you, unfortunately I never will. I have seen the piece inside that is true and holding hate in my heart only keeps me stuck in a past that I can’t keep re-living. Every day that I stood with my head held high and brushed aside the gossiping vultures I came closer to the understanding that vulnerability is ok and that I am and always will be enough. I cannot continue to measure myself against your virtues as they were suffocating to my soul and after all has been said and done I’ve come to understand that the person I really need to forgive isn’t you, it’s me.
The moment we met I knew that you’d change my life forever and I had hoped it would be because I found my missing piece. Thankfully I did as I found myself in the lack of love you offered. I finally realized what I truly deserved in life and that it would never be with you. I am grateful for the lessons learned about personal strength through some of the darkest pain and rejection I have ever experienced. I set myself free when I let you go and wished you well. We will always dream fondly of December, but know this, I won’t be waiting for you because I am my own damn happily ever after.
♥ Love from Leah